Conference Recap Part 5: You Don't Love Your Family by Rusty Old Nailson

My beloved Party Members. My dear-little-puddin’-pop and I rejoice in being with you on this Magical-Don’t-Do-Stuff-Day Morning. A lot of very important new stuff has happened since the last time we spoke to you for 18 hours in one weekend. 

(Starts at 2:57:58)

For example: temple, temple, and big-woppin’-deal temple. Also, I challenged our baby princess sweety pies to read a very long, boring, and racist book. Plus, we have started to begin the lifelong obligation for our young men and darling angels to provide free labor to The Party at age 11 instead of 12. 

Oh, hey! Look at how indoctrinated this Party Youth is who spent one Sunday reading some nonsense we gave him!

Now, I am about to say some very hurtful things, so here is a personal anecdote in which I treated my adult daughter like a 5-year-old. Try to be mad at me now!

As you all know, death doesn’t matter and grief is an act of faithlessness, as long as our departed loved ones were loyal to The Party. This is why those who should be proudest when they are about to die are those who do not have any family members who have deserted The Party. Why can't more of you be like those people?

Soon we will all stand before The Great Leader, and we will be sickeningly worried about whether or not we will ever see our family again after that meeting. To prepare you for this meeting I want to share a few wonderful things with you.

First, The Great Leader does not care how much you love your family members. This will not be taken into account when He determines who will see their families again. I know that all of the best productions of music, art, and literature teach that love is all you need, but The Great Leader does not care. 

Second, The Infinite Technicality is not infinite enough to keep families together. The Son Himself once said in a very long, boring, and racist book that when The Great Leader murdered him, it meant that He wouldn’t have to murder all of us. But His default position on families is still that he wants to separate them. 

Listen to this super weird passage, laden with redundant clauses, from our first Big Boss Guy President: 

 All promises, pinky promises, super-big-deal-promises, crosses of the heart, hopes to die, putting you hand on you heart, crossing you eyes, spider snakes and lizard heads, if I tattle-tale I’ll die ‘till I’m deads , are bogus unless approved by The Party. 

This means that you will never see your family members again who have abandoned The Party, in spite of this other thing that our first Big Boss Guy President said:

Even if your careless and disobedient kids break their pinky promises, but you keep yours, The Great      Leader is cool with them living with you forever. Don’t get me wrong. Great Leader will still torture them and make them walk on thorns and stuff, but The Infinite Technicality means they are good to go. 

Also, lots of former Big Boss Guy Presidents have contradicted what I am saying right now. 

The fact that Great Leader’s default position is that families should be separated has not changed since the beginning of a different, even longer, just as boring, and just as racist book. The people, who never existed it turns out, in that book also lost their families unless every single one of them made magical super pledges to The Party, which they all kept.

I get so sad when I think about the stupid and lazy people (of whom maybe some are “nice guys” ) who ignore Great Leader when He says “You don’t have to go in my basement.”  Sometimes I wonder what the best way is to tell those that have not yet made mega-pinky-swears how much I love them. I’m thinking the best way is to tell them that Great Leader is going to make sure they don’t get to see their families ever again. 

I think I’ll reiterate here that even if you are a person who has made a double-dog-extra-promise, and you have kept it, we are only going to let you see some of your family members again. Not all of them. Just the wonderful, worthy, ones since the others settle for second best when it comes to the most important decisions they could possibly make in life. Plus, some are gay. Gross. 

Now, let me address those that have left, or have not yet joined the party:

Try to be a Scotsman. If that doesn’t work, try to be a true Scotsman. Now, if that doesn’t help you must not be one of the One True Scotsmen and it is your fault you can’t appreciate how cool The Party is. Also, if you don’t join, or rejoin, you don’t love your family. 

Oh! Cool story, listen up. So I had a very dear friend who loved his wife. He was wondering if he would ever be with her again, so I told him all he had to do is this list of 101 things.  He was too selfish and lazy to agree to do those things so he asked if I could use The Party’s “Sneak People In After They Die” Technicality within the Infinite Technicality. I’ll pause here for creepy laughter. Anyway, that guy will never see his wife again.

As Big Boss Guy President of The Party, let me close by threatening those who have left The Party or haven’t joined yet. Stop being lazy. Great Leader is going to separate you from your family forever soon. 

Time is running out!

In the name of The Great Leader, so let it be.

Part 1: 

https://diligenceovertime.blogspot.com/2019/04/my-testimony-of-sunday-morning-session.html?m=1

Part 2:

https://diligenceovertime.blogspot.com/2019/04/the-infinite-technicality-by-chad-r.html?m=1

Part 3:

https://diligenceovertime.blogspot.com/2019/04/introduction-by-dallin-actual-goblin.html?m=1

Part 4:

https://diligenceovertime.blogspot.com/2019/04/from-now-on-its-us-and-them-hymn-258.html?m=1

Part 5:

https://diligenceovertime.blogspot.com/2019/04/you-dont-love-your-family-by-rusty-old.html?m=1

References

Barker, Dan. "The "Good News" of Christianity - Dan Barker." 4 February 2012. YouTube. Valsyrie. You Tube Video. 8 April 2019. <https://bit.ly/2UFK0aH>.

Callister, Tad R. "The Infinite Atonement." 7 April 2019. YouTube. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. April 2019 General Conference. 8 April 2019. <https://bit.ly/2Unmy2U>.

Robin Hood. Dir. Wolfgang Reitherman. Perf. Roger Miller, et al. Prod. Wolfgang Reitherman. 1973. DVD.

Sampson The Danite. "The 101 Mormon Commandments." 7 April 2011. Mormon 411. Document from Website. 8 April 2019. <https://bit.ly/2GaiLx3>.

Smith, Jr., Joseph. "Hope for Parents of Wayward Children." Whitney, Orson F. Differences of Viewpoint. Vol. Conference Report April 1929 Sunday Afternoon Session. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Company, 2019. 110. Document from Web Site. 8 April 2019. <https://bit.ly/2uUkznC>.

Smith, Jr., Joseph. "Section 132." Smith, The Prophet, Containing Revelations Given to Joseph and Some Additions by His Successors in the The Presidency of the Church. The Doctrine and Covenants of The Church of Jeus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Salt Lake City: Intellectual Reserve Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 1843. 132:7. Print.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. "Hope for Parents of Wayward Children." Ensign September 2002. Document from Web Site. 8 April 2019. <https://bit.ly/2P0Oa7R>.

Townsend, Joseph L. O Thou Rock of Our Salvation. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Salt Lake City: Intellectual Reserve, 1985. Hymn 258. Print.

Trump, Donald. "Watch Donald Trump Announce His Candidacy for U.S. President." 16 June 2015. YouTube. PBS NewsHour. You Tube Video. 8 April 2019. <https://bit.ly/2VCoWiV>.