Standing With Sarah

Last night I listened to the final episode of Uncover: Escaping NXIVM (Bloch, Goldhar and Elash). It was titillating in the dark way that I tend to prefer my podcasts lately. I expected to be entertained, educated, and inspired. CBC Podcasts have taught me to expect that. I did not expect to be as triggered as I was.

The podcast tells the story of Sarah Edmondson, who recently left a cult called NXIVM (pronounced nɛksiəm/NEKS-ee-əm). Not only did she leave, she blew the whistle on the organization. 

More than NXIVM being an annoying “self-help” mongerer of a pyramid scheme (enough to warrant our distaste) they are a sex cult. What I am about to type-up is incredible, just by reciting what we know about NXIVM I am making extraordinary claims, so please look this up. I have referenced a few sources in my bibliography. This is no joke, and it is no bullshit.

Sarah joined a subgroup of NXIVM called “DOS.” There she was convinced to provide “leverage” to make sure that she did not leave the group or reveal its secrets. She sent nude photos of herself to her recruiter, she was encouraged to sign over the deed of her house to DOS, and she made recordings of herself saying horrible things about her own mother and husband. In other words, her recruiter was saying that if Sarah did not behave, as DOS wanted her to, DOS would own her home, publish nude pictures of her, and destroy her family. Wait, not done yet. She had to call herself a slave, and call her recruiter (who was her bridesmaid at her wedding) “master.” She referred to herself as a slave. Slave.

Beneath every disgusting fact I have shared so far, there is so much more filth. To be brief I will just share what Sarah says was the inciting incident that made her leave: they branded her. Her bridesmaid and best friend led her, nude and blindfolded, into a room where they burned the initials of the leader of NXIVM, Keith Raniere, and (I know, crazy, but look it up) actress Allison Mack (Chloe from Smallville), into her pubic region.

Despite the horrific collateral against her, Sarah left. She also has bravely revealed what it was that she left, and what she believed for so long at her core. I definitely believe her to be a hero.

The episode affected me so much because in it Sarah does some incredibly difficult things. She faces up to her mother, apologizes for making the cult more of a priority than her. She apologizes for resenting her mother when she got sick, something that her NXIVM training encouraged her to do. It is awful, emotional, and beautiful.

The host, who actually has known Sarah since they were both in preschool, asks her very difficult questions. What responsibility does she have as a witness who did nothing for so long? Does she feel like she should keep the money she made as a recruiter for NXIVM? What should she do about the “slaves” that she herself was recruiting at the time that she left?

He also reads an email to her from someone, a victim of NXIVM’s bully tactics, who claimed that much of the wrongs done to Sarah in the group were done to them – by Sarah.

Several of these letters have been sent to many publications on the internet (Anonymous).

At this point, I began to weep. I belonged in that chair with Sarah.

I cannot compare my own past with hers, nor my present voice with her heroic activism, but I empathize with her guilt.

The criticisms were mainly true, and the outrage, warranted. The questions require answers. Sarah knows that. She owns it.

The same is true for me.

I left the Mormon Church (eat shit Rusty Nelson) a few years ago (Nelson). I do not pretend that the Mormons are a cult in the same way that NXIVM is. Mormonism belongs somewhere on the line between a High Demand Religious Movement and a Cult (Stein and Stein). What I am claiming to share with Sarah is not her heroism. It is her guilt.

The things I hate most about it I was guilty of for 30 years. I served a mission during which I was incredibly arrogant and high-pressure with my recruitment tactics. I once was working with (manipulating) a young mother who wanted to join an escort service to make money. I cited Alma 39:1-9 and told her it would be better to kill herself (Smith). When my father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I gave him a “priesthood blessing” in which I told him he would be cured if he just studied The Book of Mormon every day. I had an angry, hours long, argument with my cousin in which I tried to convince her that her gay brother was making a choice, one that was against God’s will. I taught Sunday School for years to 16-17-year-old young women and men, passionately inculcating the Mormon message.

I too should give answers to so many about so much that I regret in my past.

I love you Sarah. I stand with you. Thank you for changing. Thank you for publicly owning your mistakes and revealing the crimes of NXIVM to the world. Whatever defense I am able to give, I give to the best of my ability. I hope all the best for you and for your family.

Works Cited

Anonymous. "Reader: Stop defending Sarah Edmondson." Artvoice. Ed. Frank Parlato. 17 July 2018. Website. 13 October 2018. <https://goo.gl/mJncGD>.

Bloch, Josh (Host), et al. Uncover: Escaping NXIVM. Podcast. Vancouver: CBC Radio, 2018. Website. <https://goo.gl/NY7DKE>.

Bloch, Josh, et al. "Escaping NXIVM: How a Vancouver actor joined a self-help group and ended up in an alleged sex cult." cbcnews 5 September 2018. Website. 13 October 2018. <https://goo.gl/2VYFkh>.

Nelson, Russel M. "The Correct Name of the Church." 188th Semi-Annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Ed. Intellectual Reserve. Salt Lake City: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2018. Website. 13 October 2018. <https://goo.gl/fCTmFg>.

Smith, Joseph. The Book of Mormon. Ed. Royal Skousen. The Earliest Text. Connecticut: Yale University Press, Original Publication 1830, Edition Release 2009.

Stein, Rebecca L and Philip L Stein. The Anthropology of Religion, Magic, and Witchcraft. Third. New York: Prentice Hall, 2011. Print.